I clearly remember the time in my life when i was beginning to wonder if there really was a God.
I was about 17, and i was standing on the beach, by myself, looking across the water, thinking about the fact that i was there alone, but somewhere, very close across that bay were a whole bunch of people, at a Bible camp, doing Bible camp stuff!
I really had no idea what "the Bible camp people" were doing, because i'd only ever seen the place when it was deserted, when my brother and i would ride our bikes and go exploring.
"Why do people go to Bible camp," i wondered?
As i wondered that, i remember looking up into the sky, and challenging God, saying,
"God, if you are really there, if you are real, prove it. Show me in some way, so that i will know."It wasn't a long or profound prayer, but it was out of a deep need to know the truth.
This simple prayer, along with some very unsettling circumstances, which challenged for me everything i knew about who and what i'd thought i was, what my plans for the future were, etc., began my search for God.
I began to read every book i could find, searching in yoga, Hinduism, astrology, Edgar Cayce, Buddhism, some way-out-there stuff, and i'm sure that my parents must have thought i'd fallen off the deep edge. I had an unusual hunger, spending almost all my time alone, reading, and thinking.
But, I was not a happy girl.
For example, at home, i'd been told the old wives' tale was that if you were going under a railway bridge when a train was passing over, you could make a wish right at that moment, that would come true.
I remember walking under that bridge, and my wish was always, "...I wish to be happy..."
However, all those books didn't make me happy. Nor did any one of the boyfriends i had. Nor did the great money i was making that summer. Nor did my friends, and our parties. Nor did all the food i crammed into me, as a matter of fact the weight kept packing on. None of it made me happy. I was miserable. And getting worse all the time. The emptiness just seemed to gnaw at me.
It was getting so bad i couldn't concentrate at school, so i dropped out, even though school had always been something i could count on to bring me relief from my misery - at least i knew i could excel at school, and it had always been my refuge.
That was, until my calculus teacher decided to throw a bombshell my way - on the first day of class in grade 13, he wrote a huge calculus equation on the board, and stated that if we couldn't solve that problem, we should just get up and leave, because we didn't belong there.
I took one look at that problem, knew i couldn't solve it after a whole summer of forgetting math, and just got up and walked out.
That moment was one of those "defining" moments in life. I was absolutely devastated, because i'd needed that calculus class for the whole rest of my future plans. i needed it for university, i needed it for pursuing my future dreams. And in one fell swoop, i had no future.
When that happened, i totally lost all sense of direction, it was like my boat had tipped over, and i was treading some very deep water, but i didn't even know it at the time.
i slowly drifted out of school into my job, losing my focus even more, and then suddenly decided that i could go to high school in another city, where they had the semester system. I could still reach my goals, fulfill my dreams, so i headed to that other city.
God was slowly but surely tearing down all my usual supports, but He was starting to work in my life.
The night before my mom and i drove to the new city to find me a place to live, i had the most clear dream i'd had up to that point, and i saw the journey ahead of me, a house on a street, right up to the colour of the house, the trees in the yard, etc.
I was kind of wondering, "what was that all about?" but as the day progressed, the dream became true, and the last house of the day, the last one we called, ended up being the house i'd seen in my dream. I knew i was supposed to stay there.
It turned out to be the house of a man and lady who'd loved and served God all their lives, and they had a wonderful book shelf, filled with books about Jesus, God, and even their private memoirs and diaries. The man of the house had passed away a few years ago, but the lady was still alive, living downstairs as a quadriplegic, unable to come upstairs, unable to walk or get out of bed. She had 24-hour care, and i lived upstairs.
With free access to all those wonderful books. I began to read her diaries and books voraciously, not sure what i was looking for, but i found some comfort in them, so i kept on.
At the same time, i went about going to school, but was having difficulty focusing there. I went dancing and skiing with my new-found friends, and had some really great times with them. I'd boldly stepped into their lives, and boldly lived, but at home i was empty. I began to get sick, because i wasn't eating properly, and my money from the summer was running out.
Not only that, but for the first time in my life, people began to die. The first person to die was an old friend from my home town. He committed suicide behind his parents' garage. I was completely shocked, but didn't really have anyone to talk to about it except my friends at home, but long distance was expensive, so i just suffered alone. Then my grandma's sister passed away. Again, there i was, alone, not knowing what to do, with no one from my family there for comfort.
The straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, was when the lady that i was staying with passed away. I'd never before dealt with death first-hand, and i guess my mortality was being pushed in my face.
After the funeral, and all her family members left, there i was, alone. Completely alone.
I remember sitting in the living room, watching some dumb show on TV, just weeping. I wept, and wept, and wept, as i read her books, and watched TV, and tried to do my homework, but the homework had suddenly just become meaningless to me.
So i made plans to go home. i couldn't stay focused on school when there were so many other things, deep things like life and death, and i just couldn't concentrate on all of them at the same time. Something had to give. So i went home.
When i got home, i stayed in my room a lot, reading more.
Finally one day, i was reading a book, written about a man who was a deep believer in Jesus Christ, who said this - "Jesus Christ is the start and finish of the circle of life, the beginning and the end".
For some reason, after circling around the truth for so long, something clicked inside me.
It was as if i'd gone around in a circle and come right back to the beginning. I knew i'd found my answer.
Jesus Christ Himself was the answer. Inside my heart I just knew that this statement was true. I fell onto my knees, and just began to weep, and pray, and say "Lord, i receive You, i'm sorry that i didn't know it was You. It was You all along. Lord, forgive me for not knowing that it really was You all along."
It was like all of a sudden the pieces of the puzzle fit, and i'd been holding the most important piece the whole time. I'd been brought up in Sunday school, i knew about Jesus. That day, bar none, was the most important day of my life.
After that day, i was a changed person. I started going to church. I had life in me. I began to have hope again for the future. I was born again! The song, "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" became very meaningful for me.
There are many other stories of how Jesus has helped me, but this to me is the most important, because it was the beginning of a transformation that is taking a life-time! I went from someone who knew about Jesus, to someone who knew that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.
The whole rest of my life has been a journey of drawing closer and closer and closer to the One who is Faithful and True. Knowing and understanding His life, His word, His ways. A lot of this has not been on my own instigation either, because it seems that He wants us to know Him! The wonder of it all, that the King of the Universe wants us to know Him! It still amazes me! It's funny, i never really thought about it until now, but every time i go to the shore of a large body of water, i find myself feeling closer to God than any other time. I wonder if it's because of the memory of that first time my spirit with in me began to seek for truth? Not sure, i just know that i'm so very glad i found Him!
Praise God forever, that when we ask Him to prove that He's real, He does, and in the most surprising ways!
